drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just found puke in my bra..
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
