Need sex. Gaining weight.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
