When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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