Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I wear drunk well.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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