Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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