there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
