i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
