Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
