i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
