I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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