is your mom at the bar?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
