i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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