Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
