My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
