a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
