A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
