the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
