I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
