Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
