Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
