Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
