Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
