Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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