My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
