I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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