i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
