I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
ugly people sure do ruin things
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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