my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
