I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
