I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
