Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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