No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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