my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My Higher Power is John Stamos
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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