Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
