No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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