:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
