the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
