Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
