i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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