I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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