I wish I could teleport
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
