Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
