Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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