Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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