Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
