ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
