I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
