There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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