Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I have fence marks all over my body
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
