Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
