I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
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