update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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