I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
